


my love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me

by kalawakan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 19:24:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7696360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalawakan/pseuds/kalawakan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a scale of 1 to Joshua Hong, how much of a martyr are you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	my love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me

There will come a time, even if you deny it now, when you'll realize that you've had enough of everything... of getting up in the morning, of the birds chirping around you as you walk on the way to school, of the sweet perfume that your Political Science 1 professor wears every Thursday, of the weird tasting burrito served in a truck near your apartment, and probably even of someone you think you love.

Unrequited love, especially if the person you love isn't aware about it, is a wonderful thing. It may be a huge pain in the ass, yes, but it somehow makes your life spicier (if you can put it that way). For Joshua Hong, a third year university student, it's the satisfaction of having and feeling something in private—something that only he, and no one else in this world, knows about.

The moment his eyes captured a glimpse of him, Joshua was too busy searching for the synonyms of a word, of which he has long since forgotten, to even say anything at first. A smile, a smile in return, a quick introduction of themselves, and that was it. It all happened too quickly that by the time that Joshua finally realized why he was doing this guy's research paper at three in the morning, he panicked and almost hit the half-filled coffee mug beside his pencil holder.

You might probably think that all of that was some sort of an overreaction, but Joshua swore to the gods of old that it wasn't. See, Joshua isn't new to these kinds of things. He has had a lot of crushes before and when he felt something, his mind can easily register what type of feeling it was and how similar that feeling was from all the previous feelings he's had encountered. And this one... he was pretty sure that this one felt different that Joshua was almost sure he could smell how different this one was.

_Except everything's different **now**._

“This is why I love you, Josh,” Hansol says, giving him a playful wink after getting his case digest from him. Joshua, on the other hand, tries his best to look like he's nonchalant about it (even though he can feel the heat of his neck crawling up to his face) and rolls his eyes at him, sitting on the empty chair beside Hansol's, “You owe me.”

“I love you.”

“You're gross.”

The fire started from the people around them, the typical ‘ _you guys look good together_ ’ ‘ _are you two sleeping together lol_ ’ ‘ _i thought you guys are in a relationship_ ’, which escalated into a wildfire that Joshua could only hope to control. They sit beside each other for almost six hours every Tuesdays to Fridays, they go to school together, eat lunch together, and go home together which may or may not add fuel to the fire. Even with those kinds of comment, Hansol stays unbothered because he's a damn good friend—unlike those douches whom Joshua used to like in high school—and only believes something when it comes from Joshua.

“I'm going home early today,” Hansol tells him, slinging his backpack on shoulder, after their professor, with her fruity perfume, dismisses them. Joshua arches a brow. It's only their second subject. “Emergency?”

Hansol grins, gums and all, “Remember that chick I was talking about the other night?”

“Yes? I think so.”

“We're going out today.”

 **Oh**.

It's not like Joshua isn't expecting that response, but he can't help but be kind of pissed off. Instead of bitching about it, he puts on the best smile that he could muster, “Enjoy.”

Hansol gives him a two-finger salute and hurriedly leaves the room without looking back. When he's sure that the other's not coming back, Joshua lets the feeling consume his insides. He feels his stomach turn into a massive sinkhole, dragging him down to the depths of whatever the fuck is in the bottom of it.

Oh, well. At least Hansol doesn't know what Joshua feels for him.

 

 

-

 

 

He can't even call it a first love since Joshua's understanding of a first love is that the ‘love’ is being reciprocated. It's almost funny because everything's so fucked up that Joshua can't even define what his thing for Hansol is called. Joshua taught himself three things after high school: (a) never fall in love with a friend; (b) never do anything for free, and; (c) never let your facial expressions betray you. The only thing that he hasn't done yet is literally nothing He's done it all except confess to Hansol his undying love for him. Not that Joshua will do it, anyway. Yes, he's immune to rejection, he's just not sure if he's immune to Hansol's rejection.

“He knows,” Seokmin tells him as a matter-of-factly before taking a bite on his weird tasting burrito. “There's no way he's not aware of it.”

Joshua rolls his eyes, “He doesn't.”

In all honesty, he doesn't know how he got close with Seokmin and how this person— _whom he has no idea how he got close with in the first place_ —knows his deepest, darkest secret. Up until know, it's all a puzzle to him. For some unknown reason, Seokmin made him confess about his feelings for Hansol while dipping his potato chips in honey mustard. The weirdest thing is... Joshua's not annoyed with Seokmin knowing his unrequited love for Hansol. Except, of course, if you include all the times that Seokmin told him about how Hansol's being an asshole towards him.

“Really?” Seokmin huffs, almost blurting out the contents inside his mouth, “Because you once told me that you've never been like this since Seungch—”

“ _ **Don't**_ ,” Joshua glares at him.

Seokmin finishes his burrito and crumples the wrapper, “You seem to forget that we're talking about **the** Hansol here, Joshua. The playboy? The _I'll-Date-You-Now-Then-I'll-Dump-You-Tomorrow_ guy? Why, of all people, did you choose him?”

“Who do you suggest I choose, then?”

The other makes a face and shrugs, “I don't know. _**Me**_?”

“Don't be stupid,” Joshua says. He doesn't know the answer to that, too. “You don't need a reason to love someone. The feeling's just there, regardless of their personality, gender, or age. It's just there. As for Hansol...” Joshua gulps and looks away, “I love him just the way he is.”

Seokmin doesn't say anything, making Joshua look up to study his expression. No jokes or any sarcastic remark, the other just stares into Joshua's eyes like he's finding for something. “Look, I don't know if you really love him or you just think that you love him, but all I know is that I don't want you to get hurt,” Seokmin says softly, ”but if that's what makes you sleep at night, then who am I to tell you that you're wrong?”

Joshua gives him a genuine smile because damn, that's the most touching thing that came out of the other's mouth, “Thank you, Seok.”

Seokmin doesn't return his smile, instead the look on the other's face turns into a more serious one, “But if he _ever_ take your feelings for granted, I won't hesitate to take you away from him.”

 

 

-

 

 

Joshua loves novels. He once promised his Creative Writing teacher in high school that as soon as he gets his degree, he's going to write an awesome novel and dedicate it to her. Which is kind of funny, that instead of taking Literature as his major, he's now stuck with a politics-related course that's a lot harder than it sounds. It's their finals and he has at least three weeks left to decide whether he'll stay with this path, and with Hansol, or shift to his dream course.

_If only the gods above could give him a sign..._

Speaking of his course, Hansol (because Joshua's world pretty much seems to revolve around Hansol) already has five absences. Joshua told him about the loads of homeworks that their professors gave them, of course, and as usual, Hansol asked him to ‘ **help** ’ him. He learned a long time ago that ‘help’ is synonymous to ‘do it for me’, and no, Joshua doesn't always tolerate Hansol's attitude, he has turned him down more than he could count.

Joshua enters the comfort room and locks himself inside one of the stalls to do his homework (he makes sure to make Hansol's first before his), skipping their Foreign Language class— _for the **first** time_ —just for this. After several minutes, he hears the door open and close.

“You have your case digest with you?”

“Already taken care of.”

He stops writing. It's Hansol. Joshua decides to continue with his homework. Eavesdropping isn't really his style.

“Let me guess, your boy toy did it again for you.”

Joshua hears Hansol chuckle followed by, “Who else?”

“You, my friend, are the most asshole of all assholes.”

“What can I do? Joshua's smitten with my awesome charms.”

“He's in love with you, man. It's, like, you're taking advantage of his feelings for you.”

Joshua holds his breath. He wants to hear Hansol defend him. He wants to hear Hansol deny it and say ‘I'm in love him, too’. He wants Hansol to tell the other guy that he's not taking advantage of his feelings. Instead he hears a soft chuckle, “You know damn well that I don't swing that way, dude. Plus, we all need to do everything we can to survive.”

He hears the door opens again and their footsteps follow before the door's locks click. Joshua inhales and exhales for five times, hands trembling as he reach for the phone in his pocket. He makes sure to put his unfinished homework before he dials Seokmin's number.

“Hey, Joshua,” The other greets in a cheerful tone. Joshua doesn't say anything in return. He feels the hot tears rolling down his cheeks, a loud sob escaping his mouth before he could cover it with a handkerchief.

“What's wrong?” Seokmin asks and Joshua can hear how worried the other is.

“You were right.”

 

 

-

 

 

Today's supposedly their last day for the semester a.k.a. their final exams for three of their major subjects. Joshua however, isn't here to take any of those since has already finished taking them two weeks ago. He's now just arranging his records before he flies to Italy next month.

His mother told him that she'll support all of his expenses to study abroad after Joshua broke down while talking to her on the phone, explaining to her that he can't keep up with everything anymore and that he's too tired to please everyone around him. Joshua can't help but feel that his mother, like everyone else, immediately knew what he was talking about that day.

“Josh?”

He stops and turns. Of course. Hansol. Joshua gives him a tight smile, “Hey.”

“Why are you here?”

“To get my transcripts,” He says flatly.

After the Comfort Room Confession—because Joshua is creative with organizing the important events of his life—he avoided Hansol as much as he could. He never answered any of his messages and calls, told him that he's busy or that he's staying over at Seokmin's place (which is kind of true), and literally any other stupid reason to keep Hansol at bay and away from his vulnerable heart. Joshua practiced this one, though; how he'll face Hansol once they bump into each other again.

Hansol looks at him, confused, “No, why are you _**here**_ and not taking our finals? Why do you need your transcripts, anyway?”

“I'm transferring,” Joshua answers and starts walking away after they hand him his records.

Hansol grabs his wrist, making him stop, “Why are you transferring? Josh, you know I can't survive without you.”

With that, Joshua smiles. Not the tight one that he used awhile ago as a front, but a genuine, broad smile causing his cheeks to hurt, “Being on your own hurts less than being a martyr for a guy who uses other people's feelings because he needs to do everything he can to survive.”

“ _You_ —”

The shock on Hansol's face says it all. Joshua pats him on the shoulder, “Good luck, Hansol. I wish you all the best.”

Joshua walks away from him without looking back and for the first time in two years, he feels like the knot inside his stomach finally unravels.


End file.
